


Wherefore Art Thou (Such a Dollophead)

by arthur_pendragon



Series: Pornalot 2018 [2]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Romeo and Juliet Fusion, Arthur Knows About Merlin's Magic, Canon Era, Complete Butchering of Romeo and Juliet, Crack, Humour, I Apologise to William Shakespeare, Inspired by Romeo and Juliet, Love Confessions, M/M, Mutual Pining, Poetry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-16
Updated: 2018-10-16
Packaged: 2019-08-03 00:18:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16315457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arthur_pendragon/pseuds/arthur_pendragon
Summary: Romeo and Juliet, Act 2, Scene 2 — only it's Merlin and Arthur instead. Youknowyou want to click through and read. Youknowyou do.(Written for the Pornalot 2018 Bonus Challenge Two: Poetry)





	Wherefore Art Thou (Such a Dollophead)

**Author's Note:**

> I'M NOT GOING TO APOLOGISE okay no I am. I am so sorry for what you are about to read. But I'm also??? not???  
> *downs ten tequila shots* I'M GOING TO LIVE FOREVER

Arthur’s chambers.  
_( ~~Romeo~~ Arthur; ~~Juliet~~ Merlin; ~~Nurse~~ Gwen)_

  
_Arthur advances._

  
~~Romeo~~ **Arthur** :

He jests at chainmail that never wast a squire.

  
_Enter ~~Juliet~~ Merlin._

  
But soft, what babble through yonder door breaks?

It is my antechamber, and Merlin is an idiot.

Arise, you clot, and stop pestering Gwen,

Who is already sick and red with impatience

That thou, her friend, won’t stop chattering about me.

Be not her delayer, since she is late;

I do not think she wants to hear about my arse,

Delicious and royally biteable though it may be; let her leave.

It is my Merlin, O, it is my love!

O that he knew he were!

He speaks, yet he says nothing; no surprises there;

His voice discourses, I will answer it.

I am too bold, ’tis not to me he speaks.

Two of the fairest stars in all the heaven,

Disturbed by this fool, do entreat his eyes

To twinkle in his palms till they return.

What if he showed me his magic, knew I knew of it?

The brightness of his smile would shame those stars,

As I do Morgana; his magic in Camelot

Would through the lush region stream so free

That Bayard would cower and think war a bad idea.

See how he bends to pick up my laundry!

O that I were right behind him,

That I might slap that arse!

 

 ~~Juliet~~ **Merlin** :

Ay me!

 

 ~~Romeo~~ **Arthur** :

He speaks!

O, speak again, beloved manservant, for thou art

As glorious to this night, being o’er my head,

As is an unpunctual bringer of repast

Unto the white-upturned wond’ring eyes

Of a prince who hath doomed himself to starvation,

When he bestrides his lazy peasant cot,

And neglects to shine my armour.

 

 ~~Juliet~~ **Merlin** :

O Arthur, Arthur, wherefore art thou such a dollophead?

Deny thy father and refuse thy emotional repression;

Or if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love

And I’ll no longer be a yearning manservant.

 

 ~~Romeo~~ **Arthur** :

[Aside] Shall I hear more, or shall I send him to the stocks?

 

 ~~Juliet~~ **Merlin** :

’Tis but thy anti-sorcery law that is my enemy;

Thou art thy pratly self, though ridiculously handsome.

What’s Arthur Pendragon? It is his kink-inducing hands and feet,

Strong arms to lift me up and a face I ache to kiss,

Belonging to a great, good man. O, just fuck me already!

What’s in a name? That which we call a neckerchief

By any other word would still hang round my neck;

So Prince Arthur would, were he not Prince Arthur call’d,

Retain that dear pratliness which he owes

Without that title. Arthur, doff thy father’s nature,

And for thy repression, which is no part of thee,

Take all myself.

 

 ~~Romeo~~ **Arthur** :

I take thee at thy word.

Call me but love, and I’ll be new baptiz’d;

Henceforth I never will be just thy prince.

 

 ~~Juliet~~ **Merlin** :

What utter sneak art thou that thus bescreen’d in your chambers

So stumblest on my secret fantasies?

 

 ~~Romeo~~ **Arthur** :

By a confession

I know not how to tell thee how I love.

My father, dear Merlin, is hateful to myself,

Because he is an enemy to thee;

Had I been king, I would tear the law.

 

 ~~Juliet~~ **Merlin** :

My ears have yet not drunk a hundred words

Of thy tongue’s uttering, yet I wish to climb thee like a tree.

Art thou not a prince to thy servant, and also not in love with me?

 

 ~~Romeo~~ **Arthur** :

Neither, oblivious clod, if either thee dislike.

 

 ~~Juliet~~ **Merlin** :

How camest thou hither, tell me, and wherefore?

The knights outside art training and quite hard, to boot,

And the room a mess, considering who thou art,

Thou couldst stand to pick up a sock every now and then, by the way.

 

 ~~Romeo~~ **Arthur** :

With love’s light wings did I o’erperch those barriers,

For that poetic sop Leon cannot hold love out,

And what love can do, that dares love attempt;

Therefore I want thee to ride me like a fucking horse.

 

 ~~Juliet~~ **Merlin** :

If this doth turn out a spell, my heart shall shatter.

 

 ~~Romeo~~ **Arthur** :

Alack, there lies more insecurity in thine eye

Than me when thou art holding my belt! Look thou but deep at me,

And we art proof against further doubt.

 

[...]

**Author's Note:**

> #noregrets


End file.
